Comatose Composure
by REATEN.123
Summary: What does one possibly do if they were in an unknown car accident, gone into a coma, then when they woke up, had Amnesia? Oh, and a voice in their head asking them questions, eh? That's how I felt! Oh, and you can't forget the part about the apparent past lover with a secret lie, and a good reason for it. . . ? And, the fact that EVERYBODY ELSE you know is also in on it? Yeah, can
1. Miracles don't last forever, do they?

All I remember is driving, so I must've been older than my first forgotten memory. I think I was drunk, since the things I said didn't make sense, at all. I remember passing a sign that read out, 'now leaving New Prussia. Come again soon,'

 _Then?_

Then, I woke up,

 _How?_

I don't know. I was in a room and it felt, cold.

 _Cold how?_

C-cold. It's always been there, I guess. I suppose I never really acknowledged that before. I used to like the cold, I think, but it makes me feel lonely.

 _Really?_

Yeah, anyway, I woke up screaming. I don't even know what I was yelling. Something along the lines of, 'I trusted him. I loved him, and he throws it all out for,' for, f-for, uh,

 _You don't remember_

I-I can remember, some things, at least. It's just, some things just, kind of escape you, you know? Uh, so, people came in and I was scared. I didn't know where I was or who these people were, but some of them held me down tight,

 _Hurting you?_

No, not hurting me, but not letting me move. One of them grabbing my chin harshly and holding my head down. I hear more people coming in, then feel sharp pains in my arms, legs, and, wrists.

 _Needles_

Yeah, I don't like them. I never have, I'm pretty sure, at least. I was crying, screaming, and attempting to thrash, but as I said, they had me down pack tight. I felt reparative jabs of the metal and plastic syringes penetrating my skin, then some kind of liquid swiftly moving into my muscles and capillaries. It was painful, especially since there were many at a time, and no matter how many times I asked or screamed, nobody would tell me what was going on, nor comfort me.

 _Then?_

Then, it stopped, the majority of them left, dumping the used syringes into the 'Contamination' bin on their way out. Some of them stayed with me, words of encouragement leaving their mouths, telling me how brave I was, even though knew it wasn't true.

 _Who are you?_

Good question. I think I have a bracelet, or something to tell me who I am. It says here I'm 'Matthew Williams' I hope I have family to boost some memories.

"MATTIE!" A voice shouted from the doorway. It extremely startled me. I look to the voice and see a very worried man standing there with piercing crimson eyes and white silver hair, slightly drenched in what I think was rain.

 _Who is he?_

I don't know, but all I know is that I hope he wasn't a part of my family. As he advanced towards me, I tried to sit up to the best of my abilities. The man, of course helping me up as well.

"As soon as I got the call, I rushed over," he said, smiling at me softly. "What time is it?" I ask, groaning and brought my hand to my head in slight pain.

 _Headache?_

Yeah, well when you go into a Comatose-like state for God knows how long, it can be expected as normal to have a little headache when you first sit up. The man looks at his watch, his hair still dripping with rain water, the droplets landing on his lap, his jeans also wet extremely with the rainy weather, I suppose. "3.25. Al has yet to wake up. Matthew, this is a Miracle! So many people wanted to give up on you, but I'm very glad we didn't," He said, looking up at me with soft eyes, then it hit me.

"Wait, what!? You were up almost all night for them to call you!?" I shouted as I was stunned, to say the least.

"Not only tonight, Birdie~! I've come just about every day possible to lie down with you and rest while at night, I'd be up, waiting at the kitchen table, phone in hand, praying for a good call," He said, looking down in his hands, seemingly trying to grasp at something.

"Why?" I asked, blushing a deep red, turning so he wouldn't see. He jerked his head up to see my head turned and my face red, and he blushed, as well. "Well, we're like, best friends," He said, then chuckled as he checked his phone after it dinged once. "Oh, Al's awake, and he's on his way over now," He said, looking up at me.

I'll need to pretend that my heart didn't just break and hung itself at him saying the words, 'Best,' and 'Friends,' in the same sentence as, 'We're,'

 _Why?_

I guess I liked him, but he doesn't feel the same about me. I want to cry, but I don't want him to see me do it.

 _Too late, I suppose_

Wait, what? I touch my hand to feel teardrops running down my face. The man rushes out of his seat as he sees me crying. Being tired of having the Railing separate us, he puts it down and immediately climbs into the Hospital bed with me and holds me tight as he comfortingly petting my hair, purposely stopping at a certain spot, then going down again.

"There, There, Mattie. I know you miss your Bruder, but you have to stay strong, for him. For me," He said, meaning to comfort me, but it took me into a shock of a memory.

"How could you, Gil!?" I heard a screaming voice; it was mine, but why was I screaming? I saw a man who stood with his head in his hands. He had blonde hair and a long protruding curl from his head, then I hear another voice, "Hey, you wanna talk about it?" The man looked up to see Another man, also with blonde hair, and a curl, but It was shorter and thicker then the first one. He was holding a cardboard cup that read out, 'Tim Horton's' on it. The first man smiled. "You're lucky I love Timmies, Al," He said, chuckling, grabbing the cup of liquid from the 'Al'. The 'Al' sat down next to him on the concrete step to a house. He sipped at his cup, but his said, 'StarBucks' on it. The first man sighed heavily. "Gilbert?" "Gilbert," The man confirmed the other one's questioning with a simple chuckle. "Matthew, you're too good for him," Al said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "But, I keep falling for him. No matter what he does. I'm so stupid!" He said, burying his face in his knees. "Hey, you are not stupid. He is. Just," He sighed then, looked at Matthew and held him close. "There, there, Mattie. I know you love him, but you have to be strong. For him, For me," "I don't need this pity, Al," Matthew said, slamming his cup on the concrete and storming inside, grumbling after him, "I need weed,"

"Was I high that night?" I asked, without even knowing it. Gilbert stopped in his tracks. It looked like he was shaking. He shakily nodded, then I hear harsh hitched breaths as Gilbert clenched me tighter, burying his face in the nook of my neck.

"M-Mattie!" I hear another voice. Gilbert moves aside as I am tackled in A sloppy hug. I feel as though I'm being crushed, and I immediately begin to rapidly tap on the man's shoulder sat straight up and his eyes were watery and his lips quivering as tears uncontrollably drown his voice, only to be heard as squeaks, and hitched whines. I chuckled weakly and pulled him in for another hug.

 _Who is he?_

I think that's 'Al'. I don't know if he's my brother, or what, but he says, "Come on, bro! Hug your little Brother like a man!" Al said, squeezing at my chest. I wheeze involuntarily, and Al immediately lets go of me, patting at my back a couple of times, then his face brightens up as he pulls out various things in a bag that he'd 'Somehow gotten through security,' as he explained, shrugging his shoulders at me. He hands me a pair of glasses, and a flip phone with a Canadian Flag on it. I put the glasses on and flip open the phone to see the memory had been filled with videos and pictures.

"Well, don't be shy, Mattie. Look through them. It is your phone, after all," Al said, as I looked up at him cautiously. I hit, 'Play,' on the first video of the bunch. It showed the scene. A man's voice that sounded like Gilbert's had my phone and was recording it, with Al's permission, of course.

"He's unconscious, but hopefully we can wake him up at the Hospital," He says, his hand holding the phone shaking as he walks up to see me being put on a stretcher and strapped in. He puts his pale hand on my chest as he begins to cry in my chest, apologizing repetitively. It ends. I look up to see both men once again tearing up, them wiping the tears off of their cheeks. I play another one.

"Yo, we're on our way with the Allies, Axis, And others to go visit you, Bro! Say, 'Hi,' to Mattie, everyone!" Al yells, holding the phone up to reveal a whole group of people walking skipping and galloping behind. They all stop their singing, laughing, and joke telling and say in unison, "Hi, Matthew!" All of them chuckle, and he brings the phone down to focus on him, but others intervene. This really tall guy with a heavy looking coat and a pink-salmon scarf snatched the phone from Al, and said in a thick Russian accent, "Allo, Matthew! Ivan, here. When you get back here, I'm going to kick your ass in a Hockey Match, Da?" I chuckled as I rhetorically replied, "Da," Then, a man in green with huge bushy eyebrows that were hysterical to look at said, "Hey, Matthew. Arthur, here. When you get back, I'll make some tea, and we could spend the day catching up, eh?" He said, then the man, slightly taller and with a French accent said, "Don't listen to him, Matthew. Big brother Francis will take you out to eat, and then maybe watch a movie, does that sound okay?" "Aiya! I want to talk to him!" Said a smaller man with a pony tail in his hair, holding a panda bear, shouted, taking the phone. "Hmph! Those guys can be overbearing, yes? When you need a stress relief, we could hang out, do some tai-chi, yes?" A slightly taller man, but not as tall as Al, nor Ivan said in the background, "And you and I could watch Anime together, hai?" Then, the video cut off after Gil tried to apologize once more to the camera. I play the next.

"Hey, bro! It's your totally awesome bro, Alfred, here! I'm the HERO! I'm really craving one of your pancakes, right now! I can't wait till you wake up, man! I'm going to kick your ass for driving while tired! UGH! I could have gotten your Cush if it meant that you would still be here today! I'm sorry, Matthew! Some brother I turned out to be! I'm supposed to be the hero, dammit! What's a hero without his sidekick? I wish I had paid more attention to you when you were here, and not wasting away in a hospital room," He ranted, then broke to tears. I looked up to him with watering eyes to see him, once more, crying into Gilbert's shoulders. Gilbert patting and rubbing consistently to calm the American down, "Anyways, I love you, bro, and I want you to know, that I always will," I tear up a lot at that message.

 _Why?_

I don't know. I guess it might have something to do with him being my brother, and I begin to remember things. Like, one time, Arthur, Francis, and I were walking and Alfred walked towards us, chatting with Ivan and Arthur literally attempted to hide behind Francis and I, making it look like we were holding hands. It was hilarious to listen to Francis trying to explain to everyone else.

 _Couldn't you have explained?_

Well, yeah, but, I have social anxiety, and other complicated things that basically prevent me from doing anything social. And, because of my shyness, I often get forgotten about a lot or confused with sad Alfred, or distracted Alfred, or sleeping Alfred, or just, Alfred in general, really. The only ones who could tell us apart were Francis and Gilbert, and sometimes, if I'm lucky, Arthur, but Francis wouldn't always remember me, though. I also remembered I had some kind of flirting thing with Gilbert, but obviously, with him saying we were only friends, I doubt that I'll ever be with him. Francis is like a father to me, so I doubt he would try anything on me, even though, I wish he'd just do anything, really.

"Matthew, is that you?" I hear yet another voice from the doorway. It. Was, I think, Arthur and Francis. Their eyes filling with tears as hey ran up and hugged me, not as sloppy as Alfred, but also not as distant as Gilbert.

I chuckled softly, as I weakly hug them back. "It's really me, I hope," Everyone in the room chuckled at my end comment. Arthur looking at the phone, then encouraging me to continue, that I'm at the most meaningful one.

"Happy New Year, Matthew!" Multiple voices are heard now from the phone as I saw them in the Hospital room with streamers and banners, noisemakers and party hats. One was placed peacefully on my head, being able to stay due to my limpness. Tears fill in my eyes as I see everyone talking about the past, telling stories. Well, all except for Gilbert, who sat there, gazing at me, chuckling at every story or joke they tell, then gets up to leave when his eyes watered severely. Alfred handed the phone to Arthur and walking out to talk to Gilbert. Arthur occupies the camera by having it view over the roomful of people. Ivan was there and he was right by my bed. Arthur asked what he was doing and he said, "Waiting for permission," Arthur, confused, questioning the large Russian male. Ivan then leaned himself over my bed, and kissed me. Then, said, "Happy New Year, Pancake~!" Then, Arthur cut the video off.

I was blushing all kinds of red at Ivan's affections. "Uh, wha?!" I asked, confused at everything. "I was out for New Years?" I asked, and everyone nodded, Matthew plopped himself to his bed, sighing heavily.

Alfred suddenly perked up, still sitting in the Hospital bed, with Gilbert, and I looked at him. "Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we surprise the others by not telling them you're awake. You'll come to the next meeting and they'll be like, 'Hey, I didn't know you were awake, Matthew,' And, I'll be like, 'SURPRISE!'" Alfred shouted, making me flinch. Arthur calmed the loud fun loving American down by lifting his hand, to hush the room, and it worked. He then turned to me, placing a gentle hand on my forearm, looking at me softly. "Take your time, Mathew. There is absolutely no rush to your recovery. Alfred's just really pumped that you'll be able to come to the meetings again, noot that we all aren't," He smiled.

 _Are you okay with this?_

Actually, I have a lot of anxiety, because, I have to gain strength again to be able to walk, and meeting everyone all over again? That won't be easy at all, and that's the biggest understatement of my life, I think! I basically shrink in my bed, trying to block everyone else out.

 _Why? Are they making you feel uncomfortable?_

"No, that's not it, It's ju. . . st. Uh, Sorry. I thought someone asked If I didn't like the plan. Clearly, I misheard," I stuttered out as everyone was now looking at me, worried expressions were different with each one's facial features, but all shared the same concern for me. Arthur speaks up, daring to break the silence of the room, "Matthew, you didn't mishear any body, because nobody said anything," His thick British accent rang through my head. Well, if no body said anything, who are you?

I am not yet obligated to tell you, Matthew. For I am simply here to help in your post-Coma memory hunt.

"What does that mean?" I ask, not intending the question to be for Arthur, buut he sought afteer filling me with information. "Well, no body said a word and you just go saying things. Matthew, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you've gone mad," Arthur said, with a large chuckle to the end, directing the room's attention towards himself. I look harshly to him, then rolled over to face the empty chair, in which, not too long ago, Gilbert was sitting, telling me we were best friends; only best friends, and that's all. Everything is so, so. . . S-so damn -

 _Confusing?_

Yes! I kind of pouted as I laid there. Francis was the first to speak up, "Well, I think Matthew is trying to tell us that he wants some rest," He said, his French accent made the sentence barely distinguishable, but I nodded, nevertheless. Alfred patted my leg and I look up,curious. "Do you mind if Gil still sleeps here with you? Ludwig's gotten all bent out of shape when he wakes up to find Gilbert asleep at the kitchen table every morning," My eyes widened. I mean, It's not likeI thought that he lied or anything, it's just that I mean, with of how unpopular I am,that i was sure he'd forget about me within a week or so.

I looked over to Gilbert to see him averting eye contact with me. I looked back to Alfred, eyes pleading for an explanation of the German's recent behavior change. I look back to him and he smiles softly at me, and my heart melts in sympathy for him. I mean, for him to feel like he can't even look me in the eyes? Did I really, have I hurt him in the past? Desperate for an answer or anything,really. I hesitantly nodded my head, "Yeah, sure. You can stay with me," I say softly.

"Uh, Danke schon, Birdie," He said, barely audible. I miled and laughed, "C'mon, Gil! You're starting to sound like me. Don't worry about it, man! That's what friends are for, am I right?" I say, trying to act as if my heart hadn't reshaped itself, and hung itself again at the words 'Best Friends', but this time, it was coming from my though, i wanted to be so much more, I knew that if I told him this early, then he might get overwhelmed and get freaked out and never speak to me again! Oh, no!

"Matthew, are you okay?" Gilbert asked, placing a hand on my forearm, like Arthur did earlier. I wanted to make him hold my hand, because there was this, kind of like, a sharp pain in my chest, and I didn't know what it was, but with every breath I took, as the friends I've grown to forget had already been long gone by now, the pain got sharper, and harsher, lasting longer in my chest, leaving less and less time in between what I'd hoped to be discreet quick gasps of air that got quicker, and shallower. Once I knew that everyone but Gilbert and I had left the room, I clutched my hand to his, tears swelling in my eyes, I choked out, "I. . ..C-can't br-" And, before I knew it, Gilbert was out the door, coming back with nurses and doctors. He tried to stay by my side, but they told him he couldn't.

Before I passed out once more, I remember him whispering as he folded his hands and put them behind his head, setting against his severely disheveled white silver hair,

"Birdie, what did I do to you. . . ?"

 _Well, miracles don't last forever,now do they?_

This is a fact I've known from the bottom of my heart, and as I fought to stay awake, hoping that I not close my yes ever again, in fear of not being able to see Gilbert again, it tore me apart to see what I was doing to him. 'What had I done, exactly?'


	2. Shut up, You're drunk!

About an hour and a half, I reach out for consciousness, again. I so desperately want to look into those crimson eyes once more and never break contact. I try to open my eyes,but the only thing that comes out is a light groan. I feel something shifting around beside me,then hear a voice, "Sorry, I'll read quieter, I guess. Just, get some rest, m'kay?"The German accent whispered delicately, before slipping an arm around my shoulder, and pulls me into a strong, yet gentle hold.

I don't get him, at all! Ugh, if he wants to be only friends, then why is he hee? Can't he tell that just seeing him, makes my heart melt, and I can barely breathe?

 _Maybe he doesn't know. . . ? That you like him, I mean,_

Yeah, you're probably right, and doesn't want to destroy the relationship we had, then potentially ruin it if we break up in some horrible way. Hey, remember in that memory when Alfred and I were talking on the step? Well, I told him that I loved Gilbert, no matter what. So, these feelings aren't new at all, right? Maybe before I was in that incident, I may have been a thing with him, eh?

 _Or, you might have confessed to him, and he might have shot you down, then went to drown your feelings in Canadian Cush,_

Would I really do that? I mean, it does seem credible, thinking back to the memory, but I don't think I would have reacted that rashly.

 _I mean, if this is killing you, then think about how much it would hurt to be straight up rejected by him. I don't know, but maybe he's straight, and is telling the truth. That you guys really are, only 'Best Friends'?_

God, I hope not. I mean, I might have. Oh, man! Gilbert must be feeling shitty after rejecting me like that.

"I forgive you," I whispered in a breath. Hard to open my eyes, I give up because just feeling his presence and hearing his voice is good for now. "W-was?" He asked, I think he looked at me, because I heard him put his book on his lap, the plastic covering the hardcover crinkling at contact of the Hospital's bed sheets.

I went into a comatose-like position as I heard someone knocking on the door. I catch a tiny glimpse of the visitors at the door. It was a tall and brawny Blonde man, standing next to a bouncy, energetic man with light brown hair and a curl that bounced along with him. Gilbert hushed me, then said they could come in. The blonde man opened the door and they both came in, the brunette faster than the Blonde, shouting, "I can't wait until he can hug me again!" as he ran up beside the bed. The blonde was a little slower, yet younger, by his tone of voice. He handed Gilbert a bag, probably what he, too was, 'Somehow able to get through Security'. The Brunette held my hand and was batting it back and forth, naming all of the things we would be able to do when I wake up, then the Blonde man scolded the Brunette, who immediately dropped my hand, letting it rest where it was on the bed. Gilbert got up and began to speak to the Blonde in, what I think is German, while the Brunette was humming and lightly sang to himself.

"I am damaged. . . Far too damaged. . . But, you're not beyond repair," he was mumbling to himself in a tune. He rest his head on my chest, continuing to mumble subtle words of a song to himself as he circled his fingers around on my blanket. I then feel wet drops on my hand as he sits himself up. "F-Feliciano. . . See what that song does to you, it makes you upset," The Blonde man said, acknowledging the fact that the Brunette really was crying. He clenched the sheets on my bed as he stubbornly continues to mumble the words. The Blonde man sighed, knowing that the Brunette would need a lot more than that to stop him, and continues talking to Gilbert, who would pause before switching to the German language to answer some questions or start new topics with his 'Bruder'.

"Matthew, he has damaged. . . He's way too damaged. . . But, you're not beyond repair," He began to whisper, "Stick around here; make things better. Because life's beaten you fair and square. Please prepare, now. . . Little more, now. Cause you've forgotten what he can do," And before he could say the next couple of specified lines, the Blonde yelled, "Feliciano, enough! We need to leave, now," The Brunette caressed my hair, then got up to leave. "Ciao," He said, his voice raspy and shaky from crying.

After they both left, I opened my eyes slowly, immediately looking at Gilbert, who closed the door, then turned back to me and asked if I was alright.

 _But, you aren't,_

Yeah, I know, but I don't want to confess to him. If he rejected me a fist time, there is no way I am going to risk that again. And, I'm sure that Gilbert wouldn't want that, either. "Sorry, Matthew. It's just that, Feliciano gets pretty emotional about that song, and you," He said, smiling weakly, sighing.

He walked over to me, and my hear pounded. He climbed back into bed with me and covered us both up. I rolled over, trying not to show him the redness on my face. He picks up his book and continues reading. After a few minute, I experienced something, I haven't had to in a long time. "Gil," I whispered, rolling over to face him once more. He looked at me, his glasses falling down the bridge of his nose, "I have to go pee,"

He chuckled and marked his place in the book he was reading. The cover of it was beautiful in the light that shone through the window. He placed the book down to the floor as he walked over to the other side of the bed, and gently pulled the blanket off.

He helped me sit up and grabbed my hand to hoist me to my feet. He quickly recoiled off of my hand and to my arm. I wanted to cry,but I needed to use the bathroom. We roughly walked, mainly I being the rough walker, over to the wheelchair the nurses provided as they left the second time they came through. Gilbert set me down, and I put my feet on the two elevated rests. He released the breaks and we began going down the hall, Gilbert pushing me. The nurses smiled and greet Gilbert informally as he walked by. Some nurses blushing and murmuring sweet nothings to each other as he passed. Though Gilbert never really seemed to notice. "Gil, do they know you?" I asked, looking around to those nurses, listening as one of the nurses, discreetly whistled on her way passed, making a group of them laugh and giggle. He looked down at me and smiled anxiously, "As I said before, Birdie. I come to visit you as much as possible. So, these nurses come into your room, or pass by nearly every day and see me." He said, making me blush.

We finally arrived to the bathroom. Gilbert helped me up and into the restroom. He basically helped me through everything, which was plenty embarrassing, to say the least! I was so embarrassed, in fact, that I hadn't said anything on the way back, just looked down, face as red as his beautiful crimson eyes looked to the way in front of us. He seemed bothered by something. "What's wrong, Gil?" I asked, without thinking. His eyes widened, then looked down to me, then softened.

"Just, trying to process what you said earlier, that's all," I tilted my head in a bit of confusion. He chuckled and said, "'I forgive you,'? What was that about?" He asked. My face felt hot, remembering that, "Yeah, I did say that," I looked ahead, then down, leaving my strawberry blonde hair to cover my watering eyes.

"I forgive you, for," I started, then trailed off as I was over thinking things in my head. By the time I opened my mouth to say something else, we arrived at my room again. Gilbert helped me back into bed. As he was rolling the wheelchair against the wall next to my bed, I decide to speak up, "Gil?" I ask. He looked at me with loving eyes, like this wasn't the first time he's taken care of me.

"Huh?" He asked, raising his brows. This is it! Use it or lose it! I love you, I love you. Come on, just say it! I. Love. You. That's all I have to say; why is it so damn hard!? "I. . . I-I," My stomach then grumbles. "You're hungry! Ha, for a second, Matt, I thought you were going to confess your love to me again!" He said, laughing his tto amazing laugh, but instead, this time, it wasn't amazing; it was a heart shattering laugh, a mocking laugh almost. Letting me know that what we thought was true.

"I see; Don't worry, then. I'll stop it," I said, covering myself with the sheets as he left the room, continuing to chuckle.

He came back a couple of minutes later to see me under the sheets, pretending to sleep, but I was crying, and he knew it, too. He hurriedly placed the tray of food on the dishing table to the right of the bed as he knelt to the bed, lifting the covers, revealing my reddened tear-stained face, furrowed brows, and quivering lips. His face had guilt written all over it. "Was it something I said?" He asked, his face of concern and guilt almost sent shivers down me. I didn't answer; I just tried to cover my face up again, but his arm was too strong. "Birdie, please, if I did something wrong. . . ?" He asked. "Don't call me that," I said, making him freeze, allowing me to cover myself and hie from his beautiful face once more.

He gets up, grabs his things, and walks out, after saying, "Alright. Well, see you later, Matthew," And, for the first time ever, hearing my name almost killed me inside. I whine and whimper in emotional pain as I keep myself hidden from the world, from my family from my friends, and most importantly, hidden from my amazing good looking crush, Gilbert.

Though, it didn't last long, as I began growing lonelier and lonelier each day that passed. I had begun Physical rehabilitation, to build up enough muscle to survive even the busiest of New York City streets. I haven't heard, nor see of Gilbert since that morning, two weeks ago. I get out of the Hospital today. They say I've advanced past their care ability.

 _Congrats, Matthew!_

"Thank you," I whisper to myself as I sit in my bed, reading a book with my legs crossed. The nurses carried my paperwork out of the room. They said I can leave anytime today. I became absorbed in a song I had heard around here. "You are my only exception," I quietly sang. Then, I sighed heavily. "I miss him,"

 _I know, Matthew,_

"Hmph! You aren't much help,"

 _Maybe you can ask Alfred to tell Gilbert that you miss his company,_

"No way! I can't do that; I'm way too shy and, after that little situation two weeks ago, no thank you, sir," I said, putting my book on my lap. I then get up to walk around, phone in hand, debating on whether to do it or not. I figure, 'what's the harm in at least trying?' So, I dial the number titled 'Awesome,' it rings a few times, then a voice reached the line.

"H-Hallo?" Holy crap, I'm going to die! "Uh, hey, Gilbert?" I asked, voice trembling in fear and anxiety. "Matthew, what's wrong? Are you okay? Ugh, what is it?" He asked. I was pretty disappointed at the fact that he didn't call me 'Birdie', making it apparent that he hadn't forgotten about two weeks ago. My heart sank. "Uh, I'm sorry, Gilbert, I shouldn't have called," And with that, I hung up.

I spent the next twenty minutes hating myself for everything that just happened. Then, I hear a knock on the door, followed by a strong voice. "Matthew, it's Gilbert. Are you okay?" He asked through the door, looking through the window, worried. I knew I couldn't lie to him; he'd figure out some way. So, with a sigh, I open the door. Gilbert worriedly looked me up and down, face red, his breath still weak. He puts his hands on my upper arms, then abruptly pulled me in for a strong hug.

"I'm sorry! Did I do something wrong?" He asked. I feel the tears streaming down my face as I tightened the grip on the back of his jacket, which felt cold. I liked it, but it made me feel lonely.

 _Are you going to tell him how you feel?_

God, no! You heard him! I've already done it, but he must've turned me down, but then, why is he running in 13 degree Celsius weather for me?

"Matthew, are you okay?" He asked. All I could do was shake my head from side to side frantically. "Do you want to talk about it?" I nod, not meaning to nod, but then, he says, "You talk and I'll listen," I smile through my tears.

"I'm sorry, Gilbert! I-I," I try to choke out, "I missed you, okay?" I finally said, blushing, clenching tighter to his cold jacket. "Ha, ha, I missed you, too, Matthew," He says, chuckling. "Don't call me that," I said, then buried my face in his shoulder, drowning in the scent of his cologne.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked, pulling away from the hug I never wanted to end. I wipe the tears from my face and looked at him, but quickly looked away. I don't think he liked that too much, though. "Hey, look at me, man," He says, in a kind of demanding tone to him, but I still don't, "Gilbert, stop, please. Let's just leave it," I said, taking a step back, and turn to walk back to my bed, but he hugs me for behind. "Can I call you 'Birdie' again?" He asked. I nodded, and he hugged me tighter, laughing, "Danke, Birdie! It felt so weird calling you by your first name. I can't even remember the last time I called you, 'Matthew'," He says, then lets me go. I sit on my bed and mark my place in my book, then put it in a bag, along with other belongings Alfred brought the first time he 'smuggled' my things in through the security desk.

"Wait, are you being discharged today, Birdie?" He asked, looking at the bag of belongings. I nod and look back to him. His eyes widened. He walked out of the room to make a phone call. He comes back after a while. "Alright, Birdie, do you have everything ready?" He asked. I looked up at him, confused. "Huh?" I say. Gilbert walks over and chuckles. "My vater is on his way to pick us up. He's gonna drive us to yours and Alfred's house,"

 _Aren't you happy?_

No, I'm not happy!

 _Why not?_

He has no reason to see me anymore. It'll be cold and I'll be lonely again.

 _They said they'd hang out with you,_

How many of them do you think would actually remember saying that, huh?

"Mathew, Birdie, Are you okay?"

No, Gil, I'm not, "Y-yeah, just, anxious, that's all," I lie as I hug him. He hesitantly hugs back.

"Have you heard of Hamilton?" He asks. I nod. That's Alfred's favourite musical. "Well, he's made me watch it over and over," He chuckles. I take his and. "It's quiet uptown," I sang and smile weakly up at him as I place his hand on my cheek to wipe away the tears. "No," He says and pulls his hand back, "Stop it, Birdie," He averted eye contact and my chest became cold, lonely, even.

Helps me carry my things as we make our way to the lobby of the Hospital. I was wearing a pair of blue jeans, a Maple Leafs' hockey shirt and a flannel on top. It's not like I was carrying suitcases; just a little bag and a half of things. As the door opened, I was hit with a wave of cold. I enjoyed it, but there were a lot of people outside it made me so nervous. Gilbert made his way down the steps, and towards his Prussian Blue Car driven by his father.

Gilbert opens the door for me and I sit in the middle of the back seat. Gilbert throws the bag into the passengers and sits next to me. His father smirked as he started driving. Gilbert got it from his father. Who would've known?

So, I'm driving you two to Alfred's house, then?" He asked, condescending smirk never leaving his face as he looked at Gilbert and I from the back seat. Gilbert nodded enthusiastically.

The drive was long and awkward. I kept trying to subtly escape from sitting next to Gilbert. I would shift away at stops. "Birdie, you okay?" He asked. I nodded, then looked down. Crap! I have to say something. "It's just, with the accident," I said, then trailed off. I didn't know I said that, but I also didn't know that I had tears washing over me. I quickly wipe my tears. "Birdie, I'm sorry," He said.

"We're here," Gilbert's dad said. Gilbert opened the door to get out, and held it open for me as well. His dad gave him a smirk, making him blush. "Vater, nein!" He shouted as he grabbed the bag from the Passenger's seat and slammed the door, making me flinch.

"Have fun, you two~!" His father yelled in a suggestive tone, and a giggle at the end, making us both blush as he drove off, waving his hand in a mocking way. We walked up to the porch of Alfred and I's house. "Hey, Birdie, you know of how I haven't come by the Hospital in like, two or three weeks? Well, I was helping Alfred," He said, rubbing his neck, nervously. "H-helping? With what?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows with confusion.

He motions with his hand to open the door, so I did. I slowly and cautiously walked inside. It was dark, because no lights were on. I flip a light switch and almost have a heart attack as multiple people in my house shout, "WELCOME HOME, MATTIE!" making me stumble back, almost falling.

"The hell is this?" I ask, gripping my shirt, making sure that my heart hadn't stopped as I surely believed it had. Alfred stepped forward and hugged me, "Good to have you back, bro~!" He said, patting my back. "I have arranged the most heroic coming home party ever! Everyone is here~!" I froze, laying my eyes upon a certain pair of violet eyes, accompanied my a light salmon pink scarf and heavy looking brown coat with a badge on it. "Hi, sunflower," He said, smiling, acknowledging that I was, indeed rudely staring. I shook my head, and chuckled, rubbing the back of my head.

"Thank you guys, eh! This is great," I said, smiling brightly. They all went to dancing and cheering and drinking, well all except for Gilbert. He didn't do any of that, even though I could see he really wanted to. I walked up to him, trying to hand him a German beer. "'Ey, Giillbear," I slurred a bit with my French side being hinted by the slight accent. He looked at me, a bit surprised that I was drinking. Do I usually not drink that much? Oh, well. It's my first night being home and I was offered a drink, so obviously, I'm going to take it! "Birdie, I can't. I'm Alfred's supervisor. He can't drink if I do, so," He said, looking down, a little guiltily. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Americans can't legally drink until they're like, 20 something, right?

 _21, Matthew. They can't drink until they're 21,_

"Oh, well thet sux, but you can surely dance, can'chya'?" I asked, trying to pull on his sleeve, even though I was a bit unsteady on my feet. I don't even think the sun is out any more, and watching him by himself, standing by the door with himself looking reserved like that just pained me. I hear a knock on the door. Gilbert pulled my hand off his arm and lead me towards the living room couch and said when he gets back, he'll loosen up a bit. He walked back to the door quickly and opened it revealing officers of the law at the door. I may have got up to eavesdrop on their conversation. I don't know why, but I got pretty jealous.

"Uh, may I help you, sirs?" He asked, looking cautiously at them. One peered his head inside while the other one began asking questions to Gilbert. "We got a complaint for a party involving drugs. Now, we don't want to ruin anything, but If we may, may we take a look inside.

"Sorry, but I'm the only one with stuff, and I bout it in Canada, where it's legal, it's on the Canadian side of the house and If you're officers of American law, technically, you're not allowed to look through our house without a warrant or imminent danger or threat. And, there's no smoke nor screams coming from this house," I speak up from where I was hiding behind the coat rack. "Birdie," Gilbert says, looking back at me, "Y-you're right," He then turned back towards the officers, and said. "Well, I may not know my rights, but he sure does. I'm sorry, but I do not consent to the search," And slowly, and politely closed the door, then turned back to me, smirking.

"Dance with me, Gilbear~!" I slur as I pull him to the crowd of people dancing in the living room. "Birdie," he says as I hug him, and start to sway. The music is a slow song, which I guess is for all of the couples, because I saw Feliciano with Gilbert's brother, and others do the same, but it was different now. I love him, and now I'm this close, but am I willing to risk it all for this night? Even if I had, how long would it last? Just for this night? Would he go with it because he thinks I'm wasted? Then, shrug it off in the morning? I'm willing to, just for a night. Please don't screw this up!

As the song continues, I make my move. I hum along to the song, making Gilbert look to me with curious eyes. Maybe if I act like Feliciano, Gilbert will notice me. "Kiss me," I say, my eyes closed, blushing. I'm waiting for him to kiss me for what seemed like eternity, now. I finally feel something brush against my lips. I open my eyes to see familiar pale skin and snow white hair. I feel his hands grab my arms, trying to push me away, but he can't, he enjoys it too much to want to get rid of it. he doesn't want to push me away, so I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in for more, as he wants.

"B-Birdie, I-I can't; we, can't," He says in a breathy gasp as I nibble on his bottom lip, beginning to grind on him. He let's out a soft moan, "But, I want to," I say, kissing at his cheek and ear, still standing in the crowd of people.

"Not, here, at least," He breathed out in a low groan. I blush and smirk. But, then I panic.

 _Isn't this what you've always wanted?_

Yes, but he think I'm drunk. He thinks I'm just horny, but I really do love him! Having second thoughts, here! Oh, no! What's a relationship, when one half is always having doubts and second thoughts!?

 _Shut up, Matthew, you're drunk,_


	3. cold turns loneliness into chances

I woke up extremely warm, the light filtering through the window and curtains. I blink my eyes open. The first thing I hear is a loud beeping. I look to the right to see the alarm clock going off. I groaned as I slammed my fist to the top of it. I feel someone next to me, then I remember.

 _Hello,_

What the fuck is this?!

 _Matthew's asleep, so I figured I'd, uh, talk to you,_

Oki. . . What are you?

 _An entity, you know?_

"Wait, you know Matthew? What the fuck?" I ask as I sit up, but then realize that Matthew's right next to me. I'm shirtless. Oh, shit. I did it!

 _What?_

Stay out of my head!

I jump out of bed without waking Matthew, and ran into the bathroom and got dressed, then folded up Matthew's clothes and placed them on the nightstand beside me. I look at him one last time before closing the door behind me.

 _Wait, what? What about Matthew?_

"What about him?"

 _Wait, what about last night, then? None of that was real!?_

I never said that, I rubbed the back of my neck nervously.

 _There's a lot of things that Matthew has never said, either, you know._

Yeah, I know that he loves me. We used to go out. I sighed looking back into the house before exiting through the front door. I began walking down the street when I got a text from Alfred.

Alfred Fucc-Boy Jones: Yo, what the hell? I thought you were going to lie to him!

 _What does that mean?_

Stay out of my head,

Gilbert Wilhelm Wolfgang Fritz Elizabeth Beilschmidt: He was drunk, and probably doesn't remember a thing. God!

 _Interesting name, Gilbert._

Why won't you just leave me the fuck alone!?

 _Matthew's asleep; I told you that!_

"What is your deal with Matthew, dude? Who are you?" I accidentally shouted, realizing people were looking at me weirdly, I ducked my head in embarrassment.

 _I don't know. Give me a name, then._

What? Give you a name? I think that's Matthew's right to do that, isn't it? Because you've been talking to him a lot longer than you have me, ja? I stop at a corner, waiting for the light to turn red, so I can walk.

 _Where are you going?_

Home; Why? Will you really nag me until Matthew gets up? Why can't you nag anyone else? Literally anyone else would be better than me! I'm literally on the edge as is.

 _Well, I can't nag anyone else, because he hasn't kissed anyone else,_

How the fuck does that work? So, if Matthew kisses someone, you can go nag them? Great, let me know if he kisses anyone else, m'kay?

 _Well, the way you've been treating him, I might convince him to go to somebody else; anybody else, really!_

What? Why? Who's side are you on here, Damian?

 _Damian? Okay, I'll take that as my new name, then. And, I'm on Matthew's side. Of course, I'm all for you tow getting together like that last night, but you have no idea how much you hurt his feelings, do you?_

I have to; to keep him safe, you know? I love him, I really do, and that's why I can't have him remembering that. I'll explain as long as you promise not to tell Matthew about it, okay?

 _Hmm. I'll consider it depending on how bad it is, okay?_

Sure, just wait till I get home. We're almost there. I walk into town, being greeted by just about everyone in town with questions about Matthew.

"Hey, Gil. Is he okay?" "Is he out and about?" "How are you doing?" Is all I hear now a days.

 _Oh, mon dieu!_

Was? Was los?

 _The last thing that Matthew remembered of that night was leaving this place._

"Really?" I mutter, ducking my head from all of the new girls trying to blow me kisses and whistling at me.

I walk up to the front door of my house and walk inside to find Ludwig and Feliciano at the table. Ludwig immediately perked himself up, blushing as he saw me walk in. Feliciano did the same.

 _Why? Are they a couple?_

Yeah, but they said that as long as I don't walk in announcing, 'MATTHEW KNOWS AND FORGAVE ME!' they won't do all of that smoochy shit, in case if it like, made me feel some type of way, I guess.

 _Well, that's thoughtful of them,_

Yeah, but I don't want to make them feel as though I'm judging them, because I'm not,

 _Talk to them, then,_

"Hey, West, Feliciano," I said, taking Damian's advice. "I can't believe I'm doing this," I mutter as I walk closer to them, "It's okay, if you do that, fluffy stuff, okay? I promise I won't get upset. I don't want to make it seem like I'm judging you, or something like that, because I'm not judging you. I'm actually very happy that someone in this family isn't a fuck up, unlike me, of course," I say, then chuckled. "Bruder, you're crying," Ludwig said. Feliciano got up from his chair and walked over to hug me. Ludwig got out of his chair, too. "Well, of course I'm crying, Luddy! How would you react if you were a dead beat?"

 _Gilbert, you're not a dead beat,_

"You have no idea what happened!" I shouted as I leaned into Ludwig's chest. For the first time in a long time, Ludwig hugged me. He hugged me tight. Caressing my hair and hushing me. I begin to calm down. Ludwig looks at me with his Bright blue eyes. They were cold.

 _Lonely?_

What? No, just cold. He's not lonely. He's just reserved, or, well, not really shy, but doesn't interact that much, you know? Ludwig spoke a kind of harsh, but calming voice. "East, I don't have to know what happened. All I have to know is that you made a mistake, and you're learning from it. That means you're sorry. And, when you're sorry, you won't make that mistake again," I just stared at him, "I need help; we did it last night. What do I do!?" I started calmly, but As I reached the end, I ran my hands through my white hair, panicking. I looked at him, his face shocked. "Okay," He started then waited for me to calm once more, "Was he drunk, or high? Because, maybe then he won't remember if you guys had done it,"

Was he drunk or high?

 _No,_

"Oh, God! I fucked up my second chance!" I shouted, then ran down to the basement.

 _Basement?_

Well, not the basement anymore. It's my room.

 _Explain, please,_

"And, that's just about everything,"

 _You know, if I were an actual physical being, I'd find some way to slap you across the face, then hug you,_

I feel both offended and complimented at the same time,

 _So, because Matthew's going to get drugs with Alfred, what do you wanna do?_

"I just play video games," I say, reaching over to the game system, turning it on. I place the pair of headset on my head and join an online map with friends.

"For fickle sake, Antonio! Gott Verdammt!" I shout as I hear the Spaniard's stupid laugh erupt in my eardrums.

 _Your team 'll still win. You have more kills and less deaths than the other,_

I know, I just like to pick on Antonio; It's quite amusing, don't you think?

 _. . . No comment,_

"Aright, well, I gotta get; Arthur wants me to make him tea. The poor thing is sick with a fever," Francis said, sadness hinted in his voice. "Well, tell him I said, 'Get well soon, Blimey Bastard,'" The Spaniard said, letting out his strange laugh. "Well, shit. Now I've gotta one up you, Toni, or I'll look like a dickhead," I said, teasing. Antonio shoots back, "But, Gil~! You are a dickhead," We all laugh, then Francis excuses himself one last time, and logged off of the online map. "Well, then, Churros, I guess it's just you and I,"

We play for a couple more rounds, until he asks, "Hey, Gil, what happened last night? I thought you said you wanted us to play that charade with Matthew, then you fucked him," I blush and I remember last night. It had been a long time since I was able to see Matthew like that. He looked as stunning as ever-

 _UNCOMFORTABLE! I'm getting uncomfortable over here! I'm going to Matthew, Bye!_

Geez , what's his problem? Hasn't Matthew ever gotten a boner around him? Oh, god, I swear to god, if he's going to tell Mathew about that! Calm down, Gilbert. It's all fine. I'm just overthinking things once again. Just over-analyzing the situation at hand.

"Gilbert!" Toni shouted into the mic, making it almost inaudible from my point of hearing. "Great, now I'm deaf. And, I'd rather you not talk about this topic, man. It was a little uncomfortable for a friend of mine," I then hear the Spaniard snort from trying to hold his laughter in. "Oh, mein Gott! Not that little friend!" I shouted, almost screamed in embarrassment. "Even though," I muttered under my breath, making Antonio just laugh harder and louder until an Italian's voice could be heard. "Shut the fuck up, Tonio! Fuck, man!" "Well, Tonio. Your boyfriend's calling," I teased. Antonio scoffed, then excused himself from the map. I exited the game as well.

Being that I was bored, I decided to work out. It got hot down in my room really quick, as it usually does, so I walked upstairs for a drink, shirtless, you know, like a normal young male. I walked to the fridge and opened it. I grabbed Mineral water from the fridge and took a small sip, closing the fridge. I almost spat my water at him as I look to my right and see Matthew standing right there.

"Gaah, Matthew!" I finally choke out, quite literally, too. Matthew jumped, which I don't know why he jumped. He nearly gave me a heart attack! Well, he would usually do that unintentionally. I gripped my chest, thinking my heart had stopped, when I just realized that I was shirtless. 'Oh, no!' I thought, blushing, 'I need to get my shirt on, quick!'

 _No! Don't do that, Gilbert! Matthew thinks you're awesome looking_ ,

I smirked without knowing it, and I leaned my elbow against the counter next to the Fridge. "So, You like what you see, Birdie?" I ask, flirtatiously. I wink at him. He looks away, then he mumbled, "I'm confused, Gilbert,"

"C-confused? Why are you confused, Birdie?" I asked, tilting my head, confused. Matthew had slight tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he looked up at me. "You're confusing; you're confusing me, Gilbert!" He says, rather loudly. I start to panic, internally. 'Oh, no,' I thought, running a hand through my hair, 'Damian must've told him. But, what if he hasn't told him? Okay, I have to play this out. Calm down,' "What do you mean?" I ask. Matthew looks angry. He pulls my arm towards my room. As soon as we get down, he pushes me onto my bed, and I panic. 'Okay, it's probably not what it looks like, Gilbert. Calm yourself; He probably is going to explain everything once-' My eyes widened as he crashes his lips against mine, roughly. Once again, I hesitate to push him away, but unlike last time, I actually do it, but I wish I hadn't. I really do. "B-birdie,"

"That's what I'm talking about, Gilbert! See, first you tell me not to hold your hand, you tear me apart when you didn't visit me for a week, you tell me you can't, but then you do me anyway. I don't get it. You know, I think even you're confused," He says. I'm shocked, Matthew usually isn't this direct. Damian, that must be it! Damian's telling him what to do, isn't he?

"I really want to tell you, 'I love you', Birdie. Like, you have no idea, how much," I say, leaning myself against my elbow.. There's a 'But' in there. C'mon, Gilbert, tel him you can't; tell him you cant, for his own good, please!

That never happened, though. Before a 'But' could make it's way our of my throat, I feel Matthew kiss me again, and this time, more passionate than hungry. I immediately push him away, and hide my face in my hands. Why am I crying? God dammit! Why does he have to be the same, yet different now!? Ugh!

"Gilbert, are you okay?" Matthew asks. I nod my head, then feel Matthew hug me. I try to avoid his touch by falling back against the bed, but he still hugs me.

"You're just like you were before the accident," "Is that so?" Immediate response. That was weird. As he rest his head on my chest and plays with my shirt, probably wanting to take it off of me as soon as possible. "I'm sorry, Birdie," I say, then sighed. Before he could question me, I said, "But, I can't let us become a thing; I can't do that to you again. The thing is, I'm a jerk, and I hurt you, so this is my second chance to finally get things right. Even if I'm not happy, I want you to be safe, and I've already proven that being safe, is not when you're around me," I say, quite shakily. I am a bad person, and can admit that, but will Matthew accept it and leave it at that? NOPE!

"But, just give it a chance, please?" He said. "No! You've already given me plenty of chances, but I kept on hurting you; Kept doing it," I say, more tears falling down my face. "Gilbert, I'm not happy unless I'm with you. When you didn't show up to visit me, or when you didn't call me birdie, or especially when you told me to stop, I felt cold, like a part of me was just broken off and taken away from me. Gilbert, please. I don't care what you did to, with, or without me; You're here, I'm here, and isn't that all that matters?" He plead with me. I couldn't take it anymore; my body couldn't control itself.

No matter how much I wanted to hold myself back, or say no, I didn't. The guilt in my mind took over and I told him.

"I cheated on you. While you were down in Cuba, I cheated on you. You were down for a month and Roderick, Ivan, Feliks, Elizabeta, and Lovino. We all met up at a local bar, and I. . . Kept tabs, to say the least." I flinched, thinking he would hit me, but he grabbed the sides of my head, and kissed my forehead softly. "I'm glad you told me," he said, smiling.

"W-we know about the amnesia, Matthew," I said, looking down, "The others and I, we've decided it would've been best if, you didn't know until I was ready to, anyway," I then feel a hand under my chin, then move up to my cheek when I look up.

"Gilbert, I'm not mad," He started, smiling, then his smile faded into a despondent frown, "just extremely disappointed. In you, mostly,"

He stares at me with those disappointed Violet eyes as he stands up from being on the bed. My heart just about breaks, though, I knew it would happen anyway. Matthew is upset with me, and I understand completely. I cheated on him, after all. I didn't deserve last night, really, but he gives me chances like their his pancakes. I'm grateful, of course, but all I do is mes everything up with him, which is why I won't drink alcohol anymore. The whole thing started when I was drunk, so if I don't get drunk, there's no way I would be able to cheat on Birdie again. I don't care if he never becomes mine. If I can ensure not to sleep with anyone but him, that'd be enough.

"This is why, I wanted us to stay only friends after you woke up," I said, quietly, earning a harsh and abrupt turn from Matthew. "Well, when you were trying to 'Stay friends' you almost killed me with coldness, Gilbert! I hope you're cold now. Bye," He said. I quickly grabbed his arm, "So, we're not even friends anymore?" I asked, tears streaming down my face. He didn't answer, just yanked his arm from my grip and walked up the stairs. He looked back one last time, which I averted his gaze out of Guilt.

He walks out, without another word. I then hear Ludwig's voice. Matthew responds quickly, then Ludwig kinda sounds upset, not yelling, but kind of sad, you know? I hear a knock on the door. "Please, don't come in," I say. There was no more knocking, but I still see the feet at the bottom of the door. I get a text.

Pancake_Birdie: Let me in. Let's try to at least work something out.

Gilbert Wilhelm Wolfgang Elizabeth Beilschmidt: Why? It's better if you leave. I won't be able to hurt you if you do,

Matthew hadn't replied via text message, but he opened the door, and waltzed right in. "Hey," He said, awkwardly, "I, uh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised that you had gone through so much guilt, with not knowing if I would wake up, or not, but to be honest, when I woke up and found that we were 'Just Friends', I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up. I really wanted to fall asleep, then have someone pull the plug," He says, slowly sitting on the foot of my bed, fiddling with the bottom hem of his shirt. I softly and hesitantly place a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You know, Matthew," I started, then tried to find the right words, "you're not the only one. I know, I wanted to die because at times I felt the guilt was eating me alive, and it was. And, every time I told you we were 'Just friends', I wanted to cry because, I felt cold inside,"

 _Lonely,_

"Lonely, even," I say, before trailing off. Matthew looks up to me with furrowed brows and tears swelling up in the corners of his eyes. I quickly wipe them up, and press my forehead to his. "Gil, I'm willing to try, I always have been. So, please, consider giving, 'Us,' a try. For us," He pleads with me. He brings his hand to mine, which had wiped the tears from his red face, as he presses his cheek further to my palm, then kisses the very beginning of my wrist, then to my palm. I place my hand atop his head and pull his face to my chest in a hug.

"It's quiet uptown," He softly sang, which causes immediate tears flooding down my face. I feel him lean back, and I feel him brush his lips against mine. I leaned in for the kiss and immediately felt him kiss back. "Birdie," I breathed as we part for air, "I love you, I really do, and I will do anything to protect you, even if it means declining," I say as I press my forehead to his, "But, I think I'm willing to risk it, for you; for me; for, 'us,' so I will try. I love you, mein Vögelchen,"

"Um, Gil?" Matthew asked as we lay on my bed. I was holding his hand, with my arm around hi shoulder, reading book, while Matthew read one, too, "Ja, was ist es, Vögelchen?" I ask him, "Uh, do you know a 'Damian? I mean, I could just be crazy because he's a voice in my head," He stared, but I cut him off, "Yeah, the little shit pestered me all fucking morning!" I say, not leaving my eyes from my book.

 _Damn, If I was that annoying, I would've left you alone, man!_

No, but it takes getting a boner to get you to leave my head; I'll try to remember that,

 _It wasn't just that! The imagery, though. You're more thirsty than Maria Reynolds, dammit!_

I can't lie to that; Fair enough. Don't you dare tell Matthew about that! I swear to God, Damian!

A moment passed by of silence in my mind, so I shake my head slowly in the inevitable truth that Damian indeed told Matthew. "Did we really do all of that stuff?" Matthew asked, almost innocently. "Ja. Why? Do you want me to re-jog your memory, Birdie?" I asked, brushing my nose up and down Birdie's neck, making him shudder. "Not tonight; Give my ass a break, Gil,"

"Oki, Vögelchen~!" 


	4. Auf Widersehen!

"Gilbert! Your friends are annoying!" Ludwig called from the living room. I shut the fridge and carried out everyone's drinks. I, myself, had a Mtn. Dew. I walked out to see Francis on Ludwig's lap trying to kiss him. Antonio Singing songs in Spanish. "Hey, hey, Doitsu! Smile~!" He sang out, pinching Ludwig's cheeks and pulling them to form a smile. "Looks like they like you," I laughed, approaching my wasted friends. "Before you ask, no we can't keep them," He joked. I chuckled and distributing the booze to each of them. "Gil, can' you zus' hev e-eins booze?" Francis asked, saying one in German. "No, I have to stay sober, but thanks for the offer," I said. Then I remembered. "I'm late!" I shouted as I jumped up off of the couch and ran downstairs to grab my jacket, beanie, and car keys. "Brohas! I'm trusting you to not get that drunk! I can't lose you, too, you know." I said as I kissed Ludwig on the top of his head. "Brotherly love!" Francis and Tonio shouted as they whistled at the sight. "Hey, Gil," Francis shouted, making me stop and look behind to Francis, who tossed me an umbrella and a bag. I caught it and opened it slightly. "Tell him I said, 'Joux anniversaire', okay?" He said before surprise smooching my little brother sloppily. "Can I kill him after you get home?" Ludwig asked, irritated. "Not really," I said, smirking. I saluted, tossed my keys, caught them, then turned to walk out the door.

The rain pelted my head and my white hair from under my beanie as I got the umbrella opened. I started to walk down the street. I have a car, but I only took the keys to make sure Ludwig didn't drive. Having lost basically everyone I love and losing someone in the process takes it's toll on your perspective on life. I was on my way to the graveyard to pay my respects to my best old friend ever, Fritz. I heard my phone ringing and answered to hear beeping in the background and knew exactly where it was from. The main voice of the doctor faded quickly as I hear the beeping strain out into one long 'Beeeeeeeeeeeeeee...' I dropped the phone. I was frozen there for a second, then I snapped out only to end up picking up my phone and dropping the bag and the umbrella as I just yelled and began running. "G-Gilbert?" I faintly heard from the house. My phone rang. "Gilbert? What the hell?" I heard Ludwig yell as I was sprinting towards the hospital. "Birdie," Was all I could mutter. I hung up and focused on running.

I burst through the ER's doors and slammed my hands on the Circulation desk, "M-Matthew! Matthew Williams!"

Almost a year after he woke up the first time, Matthew went back to the doctors to have a check up and told me that he had the possibility of slipping away again. At first, I didn't believe them, but one morning he was washing dishes in the kitchen of my house and just fell. I ran to find him on the floor.

"You're not allowed to go in there; he's unstable right now," One of the nurses said, holding me back from the door I would've threw open. I saw the top of a blonde head weakly pop up and weak voice trying to call out to me. "Is that, him?" I heard muffled. I fell to the ground, pulling the nurse down with me. "I want to see him, please," He requested. The door opened and I stood up, wiping the tears from my face as I walked in slowly. I saw him sitting there and I wanted with all my heart to run up and hug him an never let him go. "Hey, Birdie. How're you feeling, Liebe?" I asked, slowly sitting in the chair next to his bed. His weak smile made my heart swell. "How long was I out?" He asked, seeing like he knew what happened. I sigh with relief. "About a couple of weeks." I said, smiling. I gently caress his cheek. "Love you, GilBear," He said, smiling at me. "Where did you learn that?" I asked. I hadn't heard him say that since before the accident. "I always say it; are you okay?" He asked. I frowned. "What month is it, Matt?" I asked. "December 1st was the accident, so a couple of weeks, it's still December, right?" He asked, sure of his answer. I frowned and took out my phone. "Oh, did that type just come out?" Matthew asked. I let him hold it and his eyes went wide as he turned it on and saw the time and date. "You told me I was only out for a week or so!" Matthew shouted.

"This time, it was only a couple of weeks. You were cleaning up from making pancakes. And you slipped away..." I explained. I felt tears in my eyes. "I woke up?" He asked. "That wasn't a dream?" Matthew asked, not sure if I was telling the truth. I unlocked my phone and went on Facebook to pull up recent photos we took together.

"This one's from a day before you slipped away. We went to the park and pet dogs. See?" I said, showing him the picture of him laughing as he was sat on by a Labrador mixed with Golden Retriever. He frowned. "Really?" He asked. "Really," I said. "So, I forgave you?" He asked. "Eventually, Ja." I said, looking down. "That Matthew might've, but he probably didn't know any better. I'm not forgiving you so fast." He said, then turned away from me. I frowned and looked down. "I'm sorry for what I did, okay? I love you too much to hurt you again." I said, looking up at him. My eyes pleading with his. "You brought other men and women into our house! Our bed, Gilbert! One that we've shared for countless nights. You've slept with more people in a couple of weeks than we've done it in a month! It makes me wonder if I was just a play thing to you!" Matthew shouted. "If that's how you feel about me, then maybe we should just break up!" I said.

Matthew was taken aback at this. He stayed silent for a bit. Then, when I went to get up, I felt Matthew grabbing at my arm. I look down. "P-please? I'm sorry," He apologized. He had tears in his eyes as he look up at me. "You shouldn't be sorry, Birdie," I said, leaning in. Our faces were right there when Ludwig burst through the door. "Why the hell did you take the keys with yo-" He started to shout. Matthew's face immediately pulled from me as I stayed there for a second and cringed as I heard distant singing emerging for the halls. "What is that?" Matthew asked as he wiped his slight tears away. "The Trio has arrived!" Francis shouted as he hung his arms around my shoulders. "You smell of alcohol!" I shouted pushing him off. "I don't get you. Even though Matthew forgave you, you're still sober," Francis slurred. "I don't want to make the same mistake twice; I told you that," I said, blushing. "You stayed sober for me...?" Matthew asked. "Ja," I said, looking away. "You love drinking," He says, blushing. "Not as much as I love you, Birdie," I said with a soft smile.

I reached out and caressed Matthew's cheek. His skin was soft and cold. "I'm sorry, Birdie. You must've been lonely," I said softly, tears threatened to fall down my cheeks as I look at the damage in his eyes in which I caused.

It took two months for the Hospital to confirm that he was healthy enough to come home. On my walk to pick Matthew up from his last day of the Hospital, I stopped by the Jeweler's to pick something up that I ordered a week before. I had been thinking on this for a while and finally decided to take the leap and ask him. "They'll love it, sir," The clerk said as she handed the package over the counter to me. "24 Carrot?" I asked, wanting to make sure it was perfect for him. "Yes, sir," She confirmed. "Danke," I thanked, bowing my head for a quick moment. "Go get 'em!" She shouted as I left the store.

I wasn't confident. He had just forgiven me, but it's not like I would have the ceremony that week, or month, or even that year. Those things require a lot of expenses that I don't have yet. I would want to wait until I can get everything perfect for him. He deserves the very best.

I stepped into the Hospital, put away the box in my pocket as I walked up to the Circulation desk. "Gilbert. Here to pick Matthew up?" The nurse asked. I smiled and replied, "Ja, I am," She smiled and pointed to the room he was in. I walked up to the room and took a deep breath.

"Birdie, I-" I began, but was cut off when I heard someone else chuckle. "Who are you?" I asked, growing unbearably angry as I see a muscular male holding Matthew's wrists and caressing his face, working his way up to Matthews curl. "What, are you like his husband or something?" He asked as I puffed my chest out and clenched my fists. "Ja, I ask you again. Who the hell are you?" I said, repeating myself. I began to bound over when he pushed me against the wall. "Let me have some of this little sugar plumb," He said as he smirked at me. I felt an edge poke against my neck and my eyes widened.

"Put the knife down," I said in a calm voice. "I'm yours," I heard. I looked to the side to see Matthew with his arms out wide. "Birdie," I said. "I'm yours, just let him go," He convinced. The blade was taken away from my neck.

I put my hands in my jacket pocket where the box was, when I felt a sudden sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I looked up to see the man's face, through the shadows. I heard faint screaming fading into the background further, until I felt the ground.

I could only feel the cold. A year ago, I would've said it was a lonely cold, but as long as I got to hear Matthew's voice every day and I was able to hear my younger brother, Francis and Antonio talking, joking, and even crying, I will be perfectly fine and sane in this comatose state. I needed to keep my mental composure, for my own sake. But, as long as I remember Mathew and my friends and Family, they could pull the plug and I wouldn't even mind - - - —


End file.
